I woke up this morning in a fog, last night still seeming to be a blur to me. I had a story to tell and no one to tell it to, unless of course I wanted to send myself down the river. It all started a couple of months ago, late June if I recall. I was in my office on an average day unlike any other, until she walked in. A tall slender drink of water, light green eyes, hazel hair, and body to die for. I shot out of my chair and introduced myself." The names Maroney... Alex Maroney, private dick." She was more beautiful than all the women I had seen in the picture shows, and that was saying something. She opened her mouth, and at that very moment I knew I was trouble.
"My name is Candice Simone, Obviously I know your a private dick, or why else would I be here."
"So it's a private dick you're searching for, well you have found a good one Mrs. Simone."
"Lets just cut to the chase, Mr. Maroney."
"Alex, call me Alex."
"Very Well, Alex, I had a hunch to come in here and ask you if I could retain your services?"
"Depends, what kind of servicing do you need ?" I wanted to be frank and tell her that I would do what ever it was that she needed, but I figured I would here her out first. See exactly what kind of scheme she was waiting to deploy. " I need to know how much you would charge for a tail?"
"A tail you say?"
"Yes a tail"
"What kind of tail would I be providing Mrs. Simone? And to whom?"
"It's my husband, he has been awfully distant and some times down right vile. I need to know if there is someone else." At this point Candice dropped her handkerchief and I thought it suspicious, when she turned around to bend over and pick it up I knew then and there that it had been on purpose. "Well I certainly would hate to let someone like you down. How do you suppose you'll pay me?"
"Well I get a weekly allowance and..." I cut her of then and there. "You can have my services as long as you'll see me."
"See you, I'm a married woman."
"Look I can help you, as long as you can help me. You're a smart woman, you get my drift."
"Then Alex, shall we?"
"Shall we what?"
"Get down to business?" Like I said I knew I was in trouble, I just couldn't help myself. That is how this whole damn thing started, over a dame, one that I thought I could'nt live without.
Marvin Long
marvin this really good start to a good story. i only wish you were able to finish it. and i liked the the innuendos that you put in the story i had a good laugh. im wondering if there will be a completion to this in the future?. as well as keeping with film noir i really think it has all the aspects of a proper film noir style. really looking forward to the completion.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI think you have a really good start to a story but I felt like it was cut off at the very end. I would have loved to read more because I felt it was becoming a good story. I do like how you added in dialogs, its nice to hear the back and forth conversation between two characters. What I also enjoyed was the fact that you had the guts to write a story, because I didn’t. I like getting to know how people would write out a detective story and to see what they are really thinking. Overall I would elaborate on the story more, but it was a good beginning.
Marvin,
ReplyDeleteYou did a good job with this story. As I read it, I felt I was in the story as how I felt while reading Double Indemnity. Your choice of words is very good as well as where you place them. I also did like how you chose to write a story because I don't think I would have found the correct words to fit this type of style as you did. Of course it would have been nice if you would of finished it but this type of story isn't finished in 500-750 words so it's understandable. You gave us a great first chapter.